How to say ‘No’ to a toddler

How do you say no to a toddler?
It’s easy really, you just do it.
It is the response that comes next which can be challenging.
Let’s look at how these behaviours can be addressed and changed.

You will hear the term consistency a lot and it is one of the key words to remember, right up there with calm.

A calm consistent message will eventually be heard and understood but what does that mean for parents? It means that when a toddler challenges your instruction or decision, your actions will determine how they react next time and the time after that and so on.

Consider this: If you give an instruction or offer a food choice that your toddler does not accept,do you give more choices until they are happy or do you stand your ground and explain there are no alternatives?

What message is your toddler getting if you try and offer choices and then more choices until they are pacified. Now, I must say here that the toddler is not in any way manipulating you. They are simply reacting to your behaviour and learning that they can get more attention by making a fuss. It makes sense then that if you give reward and attention for desired behaviours, these will become more common. Toddlers love praise and attention.

We all default to making peace with a toddler at times because it helps us get on with our day and sometimes, it is just an easier option at the time. However, the more consistent and calm you can be, the easier your toddler will be in the long run because they are learning that when a choice or instruction are given, there are no other alternatives. Therefore, there is no reward for protest and tantrums, no matter how loud.

If you would like to change your toddlers behaviour, firstly you must change yours.

Here are a few strategies for parents to use which can help reinforce a message to toddlers.

If you are saying no, consider different language as this can very quickly become a negative word and soon you will hear it come right back at you.

Consider, when you are offering a snack, give a couple of choices. (see earlier post 23 Feb about the 2 option rule).
These then must remain your only alternatives. If they start to protest, try something like:

“It’s not time for…..I can offer you…”(whatever your original choices were).

“….are not allowed now but I can give you…”

“I know you really like …but right now you can have…”

Routines and rituals also help toddlers know what to expect and follow a pattern.

“Remember, it’s time clean teeth before bed.”

“Remember, it’s time go to the toilet before breakfast”

Consider making up a song or rhyme to reinforce the routine and remind them.

It doesn’t matter how many protests you get or how much noise they make, you simply repeat the offers calmly. 
This will take some practice and hard work initially (from both parents and toddlers) but the consistent message you provide without chopping and changing helps your toddler know that what you say is what you mean. There becomes no reward for their protests and fuss.

Any new skill can be learned with some practice and repetition.

Reflect on your behaviour and see if there are areas you can identify that are sending confusing messages to your toddler. When you can start to be consistent and calm, change will come but not without practice and effort.

It is not unusual for a toddler to challenge boundaries and make a fuss but remember, your response to this will set precedent for future behaviours and challenges.

Be calm, be consistent and be prepared for some fuss. Reward effort, no matter how small.

Good Luck.
Kathy

If you have any questions or there are any topics you would like to see in future posts please don’t hesitate to get in touch.